Monday, April 20, 2015

I Choose JOY

One year ago today was the day we met our baby girl and had to say goodbye to her.  It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do…

She was perfect.  Although was was only 17 weeks old…she was perfectly formed.  I spent hours staring at her little body.  She fit in the palm of my hand.  So tiny.  I took my time to stare and her and I was in awe of the miracle that the Lord had created inside of me.  

We do not know why the Lord chose to take Joy home, but we know that we will see her again some day.  I often get asked if we are having any more children…and I really do not know the answer.  At this time, we are actively trying NOT to get pregnant…but as we all know, God is in control.  I don’t know if it is the right time for us or if it ever will be.   I struggle with having the desire for another child….I just want her.  I want Joy.  But I know that cannot happen.  

It hurts.  The pain is still raw.  I never really understood how devastating miscarriage was, but now I do.  It’s a pain that cannot be described.  To know that you have a life growing inside of you and getting excited to meet that little person, and loving them from the moment you find out about them….and then they are just gone.  I’ve always wanted a girl.  Badly.  I love my boys so much, but there’s just something about the thought of having a little girl that makes my heart ache for one.  I want Joy.  Every time I see a little blonde girl, I wonder what Joy would have looked like.  I picture the most beautiful little baby with bright blue eyes and little blonde ringlet curls.  Seeing little girls makes my heart ache for her….when will that pain go away? She would be 7 months old today….

As I think about the days leading up to the birth, I have to be thankful to the Lord for how He worked everything out.  I did not talk too much about this at the time, but I think it is important to acknowledge how the Lord provides and takes care of every detail.  He took such good care of me during a horribly heartbreaking time.  And honestly, I do not want to forget the details, so I want to record that day while it is still fresh in my mind.

We were at my 17 week ultrasound.  We were supposed to find out the sex of the baby.  We were so excited.  As the doc was doing the ultrasound, he paused and focused on her perfect little hand….her beautiful little hand….and that is when I knew.  She was not moving…just showing us her perfectly formed little hand.  It was unreal.  I did not want it to be true and prayed incessantly that there was some mistake or that the Lord would bring her heartbeat back as we were on our way to another facility to get a more detailed ultrasound.  But she was gone.  

Next came the really hard part.  I had a baby inside of me that was no longer alive and she needed to be born.  The doc said that he could do a DNC but I would not be able to see her and I knew what that meant….I did not want to do that to her.  My other option was to give birth to her.  The doc would induce me and my body would go into labor.  It could take many hours….HOURS of sitting there going through the motions but not getting to take home my baby.  The thought of going through that frightened me to the core.  I have never felt so helpless and afraid in my life.  I did not want to go through this and I had no choice.  So we prayed.  We prayed that my body would go into labor on it’s own and I would not be stuck in the hospital inducing labor.  That is exactly what the Lord gave us.  I started labor in the middle of the night on Easter last year…and we barely got to the hospital in time.  There was no physical pain, and there were no complications.   I remember the nurse asking me if I knew the sex of the baby….at that time we still did not know.  I told her to just not tell me she was a girl….and she was….for some reason that made everything even harder.  

We got to hold our baby girl.  My baby girl.  The baby girl I had dreamed about.  I counted her little fingers and toes.  I looked at every detail that God had created….she was beautiful. Perfect.  We had talked about girl names but she needed an extra special name.  Joy….Rejoicing.  

 Everyone at the hospital was so wonderful to us and very kind regarding our delicate situation.  I think the hardest part was leaving the hospital without our baby girl.  I watched as other mommies were wheeled out with their precious little babies and we left with empty arms.  I have never cried so much in my life. 

After everything….I am so very thankful that the Lord blessed us with a girl.  I will never forget Joy.  I am so thankful that we did not know she was a girl before we found out about her.  I am the type of person that would have had her room decorated and her entire closet full of adorable girly clothes within days of finding out the sex.  I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been to go home to a room full of reminders….God is good and spared me from that.  He also took her home early….I am thankful for that.   I am thankful that He has healed the pain.  It is still there, but not the same way it was before.  I have comfort knowing that I will hold her again some day.  I know that she is safe in His arms.  If you know someone who has gone through a miscarriage or lost a child….hug them, and hug them often.  It is a pain like no other and no parent should have to experience it.  I am thankful that I did not come home from the hospital to an empty home….but to hugs and kisses from my crazy little boys….little ones who had no idea what was going on.  Every day is a new day and I am greeted each morning to two little faces who cannot wait to see me.  I have a husband who loves me. Friends and family who are always there for me.  I have so much to be thankful for…I will always give thanks, even when it hurts.  I choose Joy.  

Thank you to everyone who played a crucial part in our healing time.  Every card, message, hug, visit and prayer helped us through that heartbreaking time...I am so incredibly thankful for a support system pours out love and support when we need it. God is good.  All the time.     

We plan on going to the beach today and letting go of pink balloons to remember her…I want the boys to remember her too and one day they will understand….

Sweet Baby Joy….I will see you again someday soon!
 I will get to hold you and smell your sweet scent and 
smother you with hugs and kisses.  I am looking forward 
to that day!  We love you so much! 

I will leave you with the lyrics from a beautiful song from 
one of my favorite artists.  

“Olivianna” by JJ Heller 

Hearts broke... when your heart stopped beating
I don't... know if mine will ever stop bleeding
Eleven minutes to breathe you in
I felt the darkness
When I knew I couldn't hold you again
When I knew I couldn't hold you again

Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here
Life is... short, but it is wide
I know it's true
You've touched more souls
Than most people ever do

Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than here

You could not stay with us
We will come to you
You could not stay with us, ooh
You're going home, Love, where you belong
Oh my baby girl, I'll see you soon

Olivianna, you're in the arms of God
Just a moment there is better than... 
Olivianna, you're in the arms of God

Just a moment there is better than here


  1. We are praying for you guys now and always. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child but am thankful for the promise that you will see her again one

  2. Oh Michelle, I grieve with you the loss of your precious lamb; your perfect daughter. We lost our Caleb in much the same way and I understand with you the unique cry of a mama's heart: "God, just make this one little heart start beating!" Know that I understand you and that I am hugging you in my heart. I am also asking the Lord to introduce Caleb to Joy. May they hold hands with Jesus and sing and laugh together today thinking of their mamas even as we are thinking of and longing for them. Thank you for sharing, sweet friend. Much peace and comfort to you today and every day . . . Love, Kelly Mayer

  3. Thank you for sharing your heart with us Michelle. As I read your story I too am reminded of simular pain that I once experienced. Thank you for the reminder that we will see our babies again. 💗 Praying for you as you remember your sweet JOY.